Celebrity Bachelorette- Episode # 1

Prologue
The twenty-five celebrity male contestants wait impatiently upon Pirate Val’s arrival. Some have done projects together, and choose to be friendly competitors. Others have decided that they did not come here to make friends. They came to win. To become Pirate Val’s Official Celebrity Crush.
The host walks into the large foyer where they all stand holding champagne glasses. It is Steve Martin, and he is wearing a tux (and looks quite handsome in it as well.) The men all cease their conversations to hear Steve speak, “Welcome, gentlemen, to the first season of Celebrity Bachelorette. We have a pretty special lady joining you tonight. Aside from her being probably one of the most attractive people on the planet, she also has a very interesting, rich history. She was born Valguana Doyle Canary- pirate of the Atlantic Ocean.”
All the men gasp in awe. They have never met a real pirate before. Just then, Pirate Val gracefully walks into the room in a black sequin evening gown (complete with black satin gloves that go all the way up to her elbows) with a black sequin eye patch over her left eye. The men nearly feint from her presence.
Steve Martin says, “Let the games begin”. And they do.

Pirate Val’s Point-of-View:

Okay, walking into that foyer was strange. All the guys look a lot shorter in person. Points off from everyone for that.

Simon Cowell, George Clooney, Terrance Howard, Hugh Grant, and Philip Seymour-Hoffman were the first group of men to approach me first. We had a big group discussion on abortion.

Philip: (pro-choice) He was really intelligent. When he talked he would get really lost in his own explanation, and look far off in the distance. It was really cute.
Hugh: (pro-choice definitely, he’s no stranger to the land of abortion) Arrogant, smug asshole. Soooooooo hot.
Terrance: (pro-life) Best eyes ever. Didn’t really talk as much as the other fellows. Laughed at all the right times. That’s important.
George: (pro-choice) He is very smooth. When he looks at you its as if you are the only woman in the world. Which in this foyer, I am.
Simon: (pro-choice) Also didn’t really have much to say, which surprised me. He looked at Hugh like he was a complete idiot.

The second group of men that I talked to were Jesse McCartney, Colin Farrell, Ben McKenzie, Adrian Brody, Michael Vartan, and Colin Hanks. Our topic of discussion veered off into whether or not there is life on other planets.

Jesse: (believed in aliens hard-core. He even showed me his alien wristwatch) this kid reminded me of Hilary Duff. Colin Farrell was trying his best not to smack him around.
Colin F.: (does not believe in aliens and believes that people who do belong in a mental institution.) Colin didn’t pay attention to me as much as he paid attention to wanting to kick Jesse’s ass.
Ben: (also did not believe in aliens, but wouldn’t be too surprised if they showed up one day) He’s a lot cuter on The O.C than he is in person. I guess I’m used to seeing his face caked in foundation.
Adrian: (does not believe in aliens, but believes in other organisms) Has a weird sounding voice. Taller than everyone else. Very intelligent, and good sense of humour.
Michael: (did not say anything about the aliens because he was once anal-probed by one) Very sweet and practical. Smart and observant, a little reserved. But endearing.
Colin H.: (is actually an alien himself but did not want to reveal it for obvious reasons) Basically just stood around and laughed at everyone else’s jokes at awkward times. And he stood WAY too close to Jesse.

I then joined the third group of men to talk about The DaVinci Code and whether or not they believed Jesus was divine or just a prophet. Joaquin Phoenix, Ewan McGregor, David Gray, Jude Law, Leonardo DiCaprio, Joshua Jackson.

Joaquin: (prophet) Really quiet. Kept blushing. I love his lip-scar.
Ewan: (divine) Noticed that he was wearing eye-makeup and found that a little odd…
David: (prophet) So poetic and lovely. We kept saying the same things, at the same time.
Jude: (prophet) Charming for a while, but then followed the champagne girl out of the room. Which I felt was entirely rude.
Leonardo: (is jesus himself.) Had a lot to say on the subject and came well prepared. He even wrote a 1000 word thesis… right there on the spot.
Joshua: (undecided) Very sarcastic, which I love. Also has the best tone of voice I have ever heard.

Fourth Group: Charlie Sheen, Kanye West, Jake Gylenhall, and Tobey Maguire. Topic: Should marijuana be legalized in the states?

Charlie: (yes) Kind of creepy. Loved him in that car chase movie though. He was hot.
Kanye West: (hell yes) kept interrupting everyone. Kind of annoying. His bling-bling almost blinded me.
Jake: (no) Was very agreeable. Have nothing bad to say about him, quite perfect.
Tobey: (undecided) Unsure about everything. But he is Spider-Man… which is really cool.

I then trotted over to the fifth and final group of men, including, Keanu Reeves, James Franco, Jimmy Fallon, and James Blunt. We discussed where you go after you die.

Keanu: (Keanu was never informed that we, in fact, died in the first place) Um…. Hmmm…
James F.: (believes we just stop existing. Period) Kind of a downer. But he’s very serious about his craft, which is attractive.
Jimmy: (doesn’t like to think about that. Lives in the now) Really funny, obviously. Always “on”.
James B.: (believes in Heaven, or something like it.) Too much of an upper. This guy could find a bright side about everything. He even had nice things to say about Hitler.

The Rose Ceremony
(In this ceremony, 15 celebrity males will be eliminated. Only 10 can stay. The men stand in front of Pirate Val and the 10 dying roses as they perspire profusely. This is one of the hardest decisions Pirate Val has ever had to make… thus far.)

1. George Clooney (haha Miss Snark)
2. Michael Vartan
3. Joaquin Phoenix
4. David Gray
5. Joshua Jackson
6. Leonardo DiCaprio
7. James Franco
8. Jimmy Fallon
9. Jake Gylenhall

and
10. Philip Seymour-Hoffman

The men not chosen did not take it well and threw various fits. Jesse McCartney cried like a little girl and Colin Farrell (who did not have to behave in front of the cameras anymore) finally got his chance to smack him around.

The Pirate Val Network is not responsible for any deaths that may occur on Celebrity Bachelorette.

Tune in next week, as more previously unattainable men get eliminated! Every Tuesday evening, right here on PVN.

I'm Puttin' Out My Roses for Free

I have noticed that a lot of famous bloggers seem to have either,

1. Somebody or something famous that they absolutely despise, or

2. Somebody or something famous that they absolutely LOVE

Since I already have number one under control (yes, that was a reference to you Atoosa) I think it could only help to acquire number two as well.

But the problem is, I can't think of any celebrity that I am in love with. I don't know any of them, and I tend to fall in love with people based on how they feel about me first- which makes this kind of an impossible situation.

Thankfully, it is not in my nature to give up very easily, so naturally I have devised a plan to take care of this problem. I will now introduce a new segment, called:

Celebrity Bachelorette - published here every Tuesday evening.

The concept is simple. It will be the literary version of ABC's 'The Bachelorette', except much, much better. Because in my version, the 25 men will all be celebrity males... competing for me. Each week, based on fabricated scenario-dates I will have with them, some will be eliminated, until there is only one left. One left to be my Official Celebrity Crush.

Here are the 25 (single that I know of) Celebrities that have made the First Round of the competition:

1. Joaquin Phoenix
2. Adrian Brody
3. Ewen McGregor
4. Ben McKenzie
5. Philip Seymour-Hoffman
6. Jake Gyllenhall
7. Tobey Maguire
8. Keanu Reeves
9. James Franco
10. George Clooney (in attempt to steal him from Miss Snark)
11. David Gray
12. Michael Vartan
13. Jude Law
14. Colin Farrell
15. Hugh Grant
16. Charlie Sheen
17. Kanye West
18. Jimmy Fallon
19. James Blunt
20. Terrance Howard
21. Leonardo DiCaprio
22. Colin Hanks (son of Tom Hanks)
23. Joshua Jackson
24. Jesse McCartney (his agent begged me)
25. Simon Cowell

Okay, that's the list. Watch out for tonight's upcoming episode, the Season Premiere of, Celebrity Bachelorette.

Every Tuesday evening, on your trusty network- Pirate Val.

Oh Come On, Honey, I Know You Have Time For A Quickie

I was having a three-in-the-morning cereal craving, nothing unusual, so I got out of bed and proceeded to walk downstairs. But I heard noise from the television, and I hate carrying out my cravings in front of insomniacs watching "E!".

I then realized with glee that the insomniac in question was my "Grandfather"- playing a war game with my "Cousin Alex's" X-box, at three in the morning.

So I smiled my silly smile and did my silly dance and went on the computer to look at other blogs that have been "recently updated". And I randomly found this little treasure:

you left me standing here

Her name is Yuki and she is a 15-year-old Canadian, but she's brilliant. I read everything she wrote. If you are looking for someone who has the ONLY right opinions regarding films (besides me, of course. Why do you think I like her so much?) than this is a MUST SEE BLOG.

Anyway, as I started to write this, the insomniac who I had previously assumed was my "Grandfather", came upstairs to go to bed, revealing himself to be my other "Cousin Alesio" who is staying with us for a month and a half.

And then he came over to see what I was writing (which I hate), then he stood there pointlessly behind me as I minimized the screen and told him that I was looking for agents, then he said "well, goodnight" and put his hand on the top of my head and shook it around (which I loathe).

I hate when people touch my hair because I'm always paranoid that they're going to think its greasy. I hate it especially when "Cousin Alesio" touches my hair, because he knows that we are allegedly "cousins" and yet he won't stop hitting on me...little perv.

This Has To Be Good, Because The Blog Critic Man Might Be Reading This Right NOW

So, in another attempt to becoming wildly internet-famous within three months (yes, I have recently set a time limit), I decided to try to become apart of Blogcritics- a site that I stumbled upon after googling "myspace sucks" and finding a wonderful article on that exact subject. I e-mailed the Blog Man about five minutes ago, and I wish I would have been blessed with patience.

On the bright side, the number of people who view my profile has made a 700% increase in just the past twenty-four hours. (I am not lying, 4 to 32.) Which means that I will have you all soon. Very, very soon.

In other news, I have devised a wonderful plan to bring Atoosa down...

Attack her from the inside.

I don't know why I didn't before. It's too simple. Here's how it works: I will go on seventeen.com, and I will write fabricated stories and submit them like crazy under an alias named Morgan Jackson.


By submitting your comments here, you agree that your story will be truthful and will not defame or invade the privacy rights of any third party.

...heh heh heh... (Pirate Val rubs her hands together devilishly as she ignores the above message and types the following lie to Atoosa Rubenstein)

"My sister is seventeen and drives me around a lot as long as I wash her car once a week. Well, it was winter, and when I wear long pants for an entire season- I usually don't shave my legs. I don't like getting the bottoms of my jeans wet when I wash her car so I rolled them up to my knee, exposing my cave-man hairiness. When I was half-way done with washing my sister's car in our driveway, I noticed Brett and Chase (the two hottest guys in my grade) riding their bikes over to me. I put down my sponge and went over to them- thrilled by my luck. During my conversation with them that was going really well, I noticed Brett look down at my legs as his eyes widened in horror. Mortified, I didn't know what to do besides run away back into my house. The kids at school called me Chewbacca for six months." -Morgan Jackson, 15, Georgetown TX

Now you may ask, "But why, Pirate Val? This clever piece of work sounds identical to what they actually publish. How is that destroying Atoosa?"

And I answer with this: Because I will know that it is not real. And I will know that if this gets published, it means that Atoosa has been fooled.

And if Atoosa is fooled- than that brings me one step closer to destroying her.

Atoosa: Do-Gooder Editor, or Spawn of Satan?

Here are some questions asked by user realitytwister. Thanks for knowing what's best for you by reading this blog and asking me questions before I'm too famous to answer them.

Q: Did you give pirate-advice to The-Diary-of-an-Affair woman?

A: No, but I offered my services to her, which she has yet to take me up on. She should, however, because she is very messed up, and I happen to have a lot of experience in the genre of affairs.

Q: Tell me, what´s that seventeen-thing you talk about, when you´re nineteen as you mention?

A: My favorite magazine in the world is Seventeen. I waited my whole life to be seventeen, so I could finally fit in with their standards. Then it came, a year of bliss... and then Atoosa Rubenstein rips it away from you. Rips it.

My 18th birthday was a horrific experience for me. I was no longer 'of age' to enjoy my most favorite activity. So, I sent a letter to Ms. Rubenstein (who had just become the new editor at the time) and suggested that they change the name, so that others wouldn't feel excluded above and below the age of 'seventeen'.

I did not get an answer. And the magazine slowly went to hell under Atoosa's management. I hate her.

This is her, and she is evil. Don't you remember how scandalous Seventeen was? How if your mother ever found the copies you hid from her, she would take your brand new issue with Drew Barrymore on the cover and throw it away right in front of you? With no remorse, I might add.

Now its all about how to pass notes in class "the right way". This is the new scandal. Mothers now voluntarily buy this magazine for their daughters- and there is something seriously messed up about that. And it's all because of that no-good wench, who decided that the magazine should be more "like it was thirty years ago".

But why??!! That was thirty years ago! We don't relate to that! But Atoosa doesn't care, because she in fact does relate to thirty years ago, and will stop at nothing to be a selfish little whore.

I leave you with one last quote from the East Hampton Star-

"I know when I was cutting myself in college, I had no idea what I was doing." -Atoosa Rubenstein

Need I say more?

They All Think They're Related To Me

As I mentioned before, when I moved to Italy I convinced some family that I was their granddaughter/cousin/niece, and they bought it, because I am a very gifted actress.

I figure it is time to shed the light on these ex-circus creatures:

My "Aunt" Cosetta: She is only five years older than me. We share a room, consequently. At the family restaurant she serves as the main bartender. She serves alcohol to 12-year-olds.

My "Uncle" Dre: Manages the family restaurant. He also co-owns the family's tattoo and piercing studio. There are about 4 square inches on his body that are not covered with ink or metal things. Many children run away from him on a daily basis.

My "Grandfather" Nonno: If you comment on the weather, he'll somehow manage to lecture you on global warming and what a scam it is. This lecture lasts about 25 minutes.

My "Grandmother" Nonna: She cooks for the family restaurant. She is amazing. When she tries to say "tooth", it comes out like "too".

My "Cousin" Alex: Works as a waiter at the family restaurant. Thinks every girl is in love with him. But they aren't. They told me. He spends all of his earnings on prostitutes as a result.

My "Uncle" Rocky: Oldest out of the seven children. Just turned 41, just got married to a blonde haired Texas gal named Michelle who is the most annoying person ever. There will be many entries based on my hatred towards her.

*Naturally, because this is an Italian family, there are a lot more people involved. But these were the only ones that I felt were necessary at this point.

Lorelyn

This is Lorelyn.

She is a left-handed insomniac who sometimes likes to be ambitious if she's not too busy procrastinating.

Lorelyn just made the very first comment on this blog.

And she is. A Fan.

Evidence;

"lorelyn said...
Hahaha...I love your sense of humour; dry, sarcastic and witty! Good luck on your quest for fame and fortune and I am confident it is just a matter of time till your name and face grace the covers of Seventeen, Vogue, et al.
Take care and have fun pursuing your dreams!!"


Soon, it will be all of you. Soon.

The Best Magazine In The World (and I've searched every country)

Seventeen.

Why, you may ask? Because of amazing experiences I've had reading it. I will walk you through one right now.

So, I go to their website. I notice that there is a new 'FUN STUFF' section. I click on it, and it leads me to a feature called 'Trauma'. How genius is that?

Wait, wait, it gets better, much, much better.

Here is a real live trauma, folks. I warn you, it is not pretty;

"Me and my friend were talking about my crush in a note. Well, the boy sat directly in front of me, so he was the one passing the notes back and forth between us. All of a sudden, he stopped to read the note and saw everything we wrote! I thought I was going to die."

Ah- but unfortunately she did not die. The point is she got close, because she thought it would happen, and if we are all that we think, then this would indeed be technically classified as a "trauma".

Why would you deliberately put yourself in a situation where you had the one person you were writing about be the messenger? Is this a trauma about her near-death experience, or how stupid our youth is today?

Because when I wrote notes about boys that I liked back on The Latoya Jackson, I would have my friend stick them in the cannon when we were through conversing.

Other times, I wrote notes directly to boys. Which was the quickest way to get results;

"Dear Gib,
So, what's up? Not much here. Will you go out with me...tee hee? Oh my god, Nancy is being such a little douche! LOL, anywayz... I'm going to be on the starboard side after dinner today. So if you want to stop by that would be so kewl! But you don't have to, you're probably not invited anyway. I don't know, I'll have to check with Nancy. She'll tell you for sure sometime in the next hour. But no promises, k? In fact, I think I need some space from this whole thing. I think we should break up. No hard feelings.

Stay sweet,
Val"

Pirate Advice

Okay, so, in my quest to become popular on the internet, I have decided to offer my services as an advice giver/therapist.

Although I now handle advice in all genres, I think I would be most talented at guiding people through revenge tactics, whether or not they should seek revenge, etc. I would also help people with their struggle against quitting the arts (whether or not they are talented enough to stick around)

Current Methods of Getting Famous:

1. This blog.
2. Seeking literary agents for my novel.
3. Music.
4. Acting.
5. Showing up in all the right places.

Yeah, you heard me, Paris. I figured out how you did it. I even bought a chihuahua named Maverick to tote around with me as an accessory. You'll be dealing with me soon.

How Unfamous Am I Right Now

I am ambitious.

This is my curse, because I could have all the ambition in the world, but nowhere to feed it to. For example, I have a very powerful ambition to become famous in the blogging world. But sadly, I have been an official 'blogger' for about two hours now and when I searched "Pirate Val" in the blog search engine, I did not come up.

I should have been first on the list. After all, my name is Pirate Val. My blog is called Pirate Val. This is what I searched for. But instead, what came up was some pathetic girl taking bad pictures of her really ugly chihuahua consequently named 'Val', and some other worthless teen figuring out his pirate name, and it happened to be Pirate Val of something or another.

I did come up, however, when I searched "Pirate Val, latoya". This made me feel a little better, but on the other hand- who in God's name would ever search for that? And would I really want them to be reading my blog in the first place?

But I have been productive in getting famous in the past two hours. I looked at every blog listed on the "Blogs of Note", and one happened to draw comic strips of pirates. EL PACIFICO. I left them a comment, offering my experience as a pirate to their stories. I can't see why they wouldn't take me up on that. I mean, why not draw inspiration right from the source if it is available?

Now, I am a little taken aback to the amount of people referencing themselves as "pirates" or that they enjoy "pirating". Every time I see one of these claims, I get all excited, thinking it is someone I know, but it turns out to be some 14-year-old boy who likes to illegaly download movies, or some hippie who started a blog when he was high and liked to think of himself as a pirate.

But these people are not pirates. They are nothing like pirates. And I am saddened by how cheap this particular title has become. It seems as though everyone can call themselves a pirate now. And I am worthless.

But not for long. Soon enough, when people search for "pirate" in the blog search engine, I will come up as number one... so there, you little punk Grace O'Malley.

Welcome to Pirate Val's Very Secret Spot

So you found me, eh?

Lets get one thing right out in the open right now. Yes, I am a real pirate. I was raised on a ship called The Latoya Jackson, but when I was 16 I decided to leave my family to pursue a life of fame and fortune. How I get there? Doesn't matter. All that matters is that my name will be in big fat letters on the cover of Seventeen.

Not that I am seventeen, of course. I am afraid that I have grown quite old (one year away from being two decades old). Shortly after leaving the ship, I decided that it would be in my best interest to get an education. So that's what I did. I started in the port of Boston, went to a few colleges there. Hit some up in Texas by ways of the Gulf, and made one last North American stop by pretending to be a student at UCLA for about 7 months.

Right now I am in Italy. I convinced an ex-circus family here with a local restaurant that I was their estranged granddaughter/cousin/niece, and just as I suspected they believed me because Italians procreate so much that it is impossible to keep tabs on everyone.

So, here I am. An educated pirate currently active as a struggling musician in a small beach town in Tuscany...on the road to Celebrity Town. And with all of you scallywags to hear of my tales along the way. Because I figure, why not get Internet-famous too, while I'm at it.